Step Parenting
If you have read my bio, you know that I am a step parent to my fiances daughter Mila. She is now 7 years old...but what some of you may not know is my ex (who I dated for 4 years) had two little girls. They were 6 and 9 when we first met, and when him and I broke up they were 10 and 13. I loved them both like they were my old children, even though they were not biological. Learning the "role" of the step parent takes time, and it's NOT easy. Being a step parent is a very challenging job and often goes unnoticed.
First I have learned that the children must come first. Their feelings in this role are crucial. They will need guidance and direction, and in some ways the child might learn to favor one house to the other....but you never want them to feel that they need to pick a side. Parents also should never bad mouth the other. Even if your divorce ended badly, you do not want to influence the child/children to hate the other parent or even the step parent. Children can be damaged by exposure to ongoing conflict and repeated negative messages that put them in the middle.
~A step parent never knows when they should speak up! We are often worried about stepping on toes, getting backlash for something he or she said, or even something he or she didn’t say. Backlash for something that was misinterpreted by the ex or incorrectly passed on to the ex by the kids. Walking on eggshells can wear out even the strongest people.
~A parent has unconditional love for their child, whereas a stepchild can feel like a foreign entity to a stepparent. People love to judge a step mom who doesn’t automatically fall in love with her stepchild. But the reality is these are basically two strangers who didn’t choose each other, now finding themselves part of the same family. I looked online and noticed that research shows it can take 4-7 years for a step family to feel and function like a family, so those first years are an adjustment for everyone. A child doesn’t automatically think of their stepparent as a parent – or of any importance to them at all. That bond will take years to develop. I find myself extremely lucky with Mila. She doesn’t ever hesitate to say I love you, she trusts me, and wants me to be a part of her life.
My thoughts are that there is going My I’ll
First I have learned that the children must come first. Their feelings in this role are crucial. They will need guidance and direction, and in some ways the child might learn to favor one house to the other....but you never want them to feel that they need to pick a side. Parents also should never bad mouth the other. Even if your divorce ended badly, you do not want to influence the child/children to hate the other parent or even the step parent. Children can be damaged by exposure to ongoing conflict and repeated negative messages that put them in the middle.
~A step parent never knows when they should speak up! We are often worried about stepping on toes, getting backlash for something he or she said, or even something he or she didn’t say. Backlash for something that was misinterpreted by the ex or incorrectly passed on to the ex by the kids. Walking on eggshells can wear out even the strongest people.
~A parent has unconditional love for their child, whereas a stepchild can feel like a foreign entity to a stepparent. People love to judge a step mom who doesn’t automatically fall in love with her stepchild. But the reality is these are basically two strangers who didn’t choose each other, now finding themselves part of the same family. I looked online and noticed that research shows it can take 4-7 years for a step family to feel and function like a family, so those first years are an adjustment for everyone. A child doesn’t automatically think of their stepparent as a parent – or of any importance to them at all. That bond will take years to develop. I find myself extremely lucky with Mila. She doesn’t ever hesitate to say I love you, she trusts me, and wants me to be a part of her life.
My thoughts are that there is going My I’ll
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